I’ve always been more of a listener than a talker. One isn’t better than the other — in fact, the world needs both in equal measure. But I’ve always been more of the “quiet one” who is ready to listen. My house is a lively place full of passionate conversation, and when my family gathers around the dinner table, sometimes it’s difficult to get a word in edgewise. That’s how I became a good listener.
Here’s the thing: when you learn to be a better listener, the world starts to listen to you. Even if it seems like all the noise is drowning you out, people will remember you for the way you made them feel — especially if you’re genuinely interested in what someone else has to say. We live in a world of talkers, now more than ever. On social media, the entire populace is encouraged to give their opinion 24/7.
DON’T GET ME WRONG: I don’t think you should listen to what everyone has to say. In fact, that’s a recipe for disaster. First, you have to listen to your inner compass — the thing that points you to what you know is true. Once you have those parameters set, you can filter out the nasty, negative talk and find people who are actually worth listening to. Start with the people you respect. Maybe this includes your parents, siblings, friends, teachers, or coworkers. You don’t have to agree with everything they say — you just have to make sure they aren’t toxic to be around. Usually these people aren’t hard to find. You’re naturally attracted to them, because you’re following the same North Star.
#1: BE A GOOD CHOIR
Have you had a conversation with a like-minded person, and about halfway through the conversation you find yourself saying, “You’re preaching to the choir”? This is an American phrase that means “you’re trying to convince people who are already convinced.” In other words, WE AGREE WITH THE SPEAKER. What’s the point of them shouting at us? But here’s the thing: nine times out of ten, the speaker knows that we agree with her. She’s not trying to convince us — she’s calling for backup.
At some point, we are all the preacher — yelling at the already-converted choir. Why? Not because we doubt their belief. It’s because we’re passionate about this topic, and we need someone to be passionate about it with us. Would you rather we take our “preaching” to the street corner, where toxic people will disagree, hate us for what we’re saying, and try to hurt us with their own words? No! You wouldn’t wish that on someone you love and respect. And that’s why you need to learn how to be a good choir.
Social media is the proverbial street corner. There are people out there who will agree, but there are also lots of people who will disagree. Unfortunately, this is the 21st century where we have the convenience of screens and anonymous profiles to shield ourselves. It’s easier than ever to speak up for what you believe in — but it’s just as easy to be attacked by venomous people. So next time you find yourself saying “you’re preaching to the choir,” remember the alternative. This is an opportunity for YOU to be a better listener. And it’s an opportunity for the speaker to get something off their chest without being attacked for their beliefs.
#2: WATCH YOUR BODY LANGUAGE
There’s a difference between hearing and listening. But in today’s world, where “awesome” means “nice,” we need a slightly stronger term to describe actually listening. That term is Active Listening. It means fully concentrating on what a person is saying. This, of course, makes you a better listener. “But Abbiee,” you say, “I am fully concentrating.” THAT MIGHT BE TRUE. But does the speaker know you’re listening? This is where body language helps us out.
I like to consider myself a pretty good multitasker. But divided attention is never full attention, which means it’s not a good idea to be “multitasking” while trying to listen to what someone has to say. Instead, SHOW THEM that you care — without saying a word! Here are some super easy cues to practice while listening:
- Hold eye contact. Nothing says “lack of interest” like shifty eyes! Even if you’re nervous, try to hold eye contact. A little goes a long way.
- Face the person. If sitting, turn your shoulders toward the person. If standing, making sure your feet point toward the person, not away. Feet pointing away means you want to leave the conversation.
- Nod SLOWLY at intervals. Nodding is great, but make sure you do it slowly. Nodding quickly is a nonverbal way to say “yeah yeah yeah — hurry up so I can say something.”
- Try not to fidget. This is another thing that makes the speaker feel rushed. You might be a little anxious (because let’s face it CONVERSATION IS SCARY) but resist the urge to jiggle your foot, crack your knuckles, play with your hair, or do any other nervous tick. Relax! Breathe. Focus on the conversation.
- Always give feedback. SAY SOMETHING, even if it’s just “yeah” or “mm-hmm” and a moment of consideration. Nothing is more frustrating in conversation than when the first person finishes talking and the second person moves on to what they have to say, disregarding everything the first person just said. NOT NICE NOT KIND DON’T DO IT.
A little body language goes a long way — especially when you’re meeting someone for the first time, or presenting a topic that’s important to you. I’m a total social psychology geek so I COULD RANT ABOUT THIS FOREVER, but I’ll move on now. If you want a little crash course in body language, check out this article. (Also great for writing more realistic characters! Fun fact!) If you want even more, watch this TED talk.
#3: STAY POSITIVE
Here’s a not-so-fun fact: there are going to be people who disagree with you. Not every conversation ends in mutual happiness and agreement. PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT AND HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS. Don’t hate them for it and don’t try to cram your own beliefs down their throat. Most people are stubborn in their beliefs and shouting at them isn’t going to change their mind. Above all else, be kind! Even if you disagree with everything a person believes, you can still show them love.
So here’s my third and final way to be a better listener: Agree to disagree. BUT DON’T ACTUALLY SAY THAT. Instead, focus on the positive side of the topic! Find something that you do agree on. Maybe you see the same truth, but the other person is bitter and hateful about it. Instead of saying, “hey, you’re bitter and hateful, but I agree with you on this other thing…” try something like “I agree, and I think what this situation needs is for us to show people more love…” When you stay on the bright side, nobody from the dark side will want to hang out there. This is also a great way to draw good people into your life! Radiate positivity and your will attract positivity. Be open, be kind, and BE A GOOD LISTENER. It will take you far.
TALK, BRO
Well, there you have it, friend: my favorite habits that are guaranteed to make you a better listener. What is it you HATE to see people do in conversation? Pay attention to what gets under your skin and make sure you’re not doing the same thing to other people! ADD TO THIS LIST: what are some tips you can give to help me improve my listening skills?
rock on,
abbiee
