A few weeks ago, I wrote a post called Is It Possible For Introverts To Be Confident? all about the appalling misuse of the word “introvert” and why most people automatically think it means “shy and insecure.” (MYTH = DEBUNKED. Obviously.) In that post I mentioned that I’ve gone from being an unconfident person to being a confident person…and I said I wanted to write a post about little things you can do to become more confident. To my pleasant surprise, A LOT OF YOU SAID “YES PLEASE WRITE A POST LIKE THAT.” So here we are!!

But first let’s clear up a few things. A lot of people misuse words. And I’m not just talking about “like” and “um” and “aesthetic.” I’m talking about CONFIDENCE.* So once again, let’s whip out The Abbiee Dictionary and redefine a few things. Like WHAT CONFIDENCE EVEN MEANS.

To me, confidence means being certain of your own value, abilities, and awesomeness. It means feeling good in your own skin, feeling able to rise to any challenge, feeling secure at all times, not matter who attacks you on whatever grounds. It means being honest, bold, and limitless. It means blurring the lines between your comfort zone and everything else – chasing your dreams because you know that you have what it takes to fly past the finish line and keep going strong. Confidence essentially means: I’m a supernova star and I know it.

Pride. Ego. Arrogance. Self-conceit. A lot of these things can masquerade as confidence…but they are actually THE EXACT OPPOSITE. When someone (me) feels insecure, sometimes they (me) lash out with arrogance, loftiness, and pride (also me.) IT IS THEIR WEAKNESS. Don’t confuse this for confidence. Because a truly confident person is NOT prideful. If arrogance is a person’s reaction to feeling threatened (insecure), then this person is not confident. THIS PERSON IS DISILLUSIONED.

A truly confident person doesn’t feel insecure or threatened. A truly confident person doesn’t lash out. WHY? Because they are secure – in who they are. They don’t need to justify themselves, protect themselves, or make excuses about their actions. I CANNOT SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH: Pride is a symptom of insecurity. Confidence is the result of security.

Confidence is important because YOU are important. You have beautiful things in your future!! Incredible adventures await!! But only if you have the courage to chase your dreams. Yes, I totally believe in opportunities popping out of nowhere – it has happened to me, and IT’S AWESOME. But what are you going to do with those opportunities? YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THEM REALITIES. You’re going to grab your dream with both hands and run with it. And it might be fun at first, but somewhere along the line… you’re going to reach the limits of your comfort zone.

And that’s when you have to make a decision: stay here inside your comfort zone because you’re scared of what lies in the Great Beyond™ — or keep running, through the discomfort, and LIVE YOUR LIFE. That great adventure!! IT’S YOURS.

This is why confidence is important. Because if you don’t have confidence when you reach the limits of your comfort zone…chances are you’re going to turn back. You’re going to stick with what is easy and comfortable – not because it’s what you want, but because it’s what you’re used to. Because on some level, you’re not sure of yourself. You’re scared. (AND I FEEL THIS TOO, BELIEVE ME. The struggle is real.)

Your habits become who you are. << THIS IS A UNIVERSAL TRUTH. Over time, it’s the little things that shape the kind of person you are. Not the big decisions, like should I become a missionary or a civil engineer, but small decisions, like should I ask for the wi-fi password or not. Think of it like water dripping on a rock. Over time, that innocent little drip will bore a hole through the rock – but not if you stop it RIGHT NOW.

Confidence is important because it helps you to get the most out of your life. Fear of missing out?? YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEAR. Because the more confident you become, the less regrets you’ll have – the less you’ll look back and think: maybe I should’ve done that differently. Insecurity keeps you from living your full potential. AND WHAT COULD BE MORE HEARTBREAKING THAN THAT??? Let’s bust out of this societal norm of playing small and deprecating ourselves. LET’S BE DIFFERENT.

Okay, rant over. Time to start improving your life.

I’M GUILTY, MY FRIEND. I AM SO GUILTY. But that doesn’t mean I can’t call you out for the same thing. It’s pretty sad how many teens and young adults I see depreciating themselves every single day without fail. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO STOP DOING. In fact, it is probably the one thing that has given me more confidence than anything else. If you do none of the habits on this list, DO THIS ONE. STOP DEPRECIATING YOURSELF.

Some of you are like “LOLOL NO WAY” and some of you are like “what’s so bad about picking up the phone??” To the latter: move onto the next habit. To the former: I KNOW. IT’S HARD. BUT IT GETS EASIER. I used to be terrified of picking up the phone. What if you aren’t the person they want to talk to? Or, even more terrifying, what if you ARE? What if you don’t have the information they’re looking for? What if you sound like an idiot??

OR AT LEAST TRY TO. I’m the kind of person who lives by that wise old adage, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” Which means I’m usually not the type to ask for help – whether I can’t find the milk in my own refrigerator, or I’m hanging off the edge of a cliff by my fingertips. Sometimes it gets a little extreme (like in the cliff-hanger scenario) but otherwise, IT’S A GOOD THING TO DO.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE POWER POSE. You’ve probably heard about this before (especially if you’re a psychology geek like myself) but in case you haven’t, QUICK DEFINITION: power posing is the act of positioning your body in such a way that makes you feel like a superhero.* But power posing isn’t just about looking cool or feeling boss – it
literally changes the chemical makeup of your brain and body.

YES I KNOW I’m getting all science-y on you here…but don’t judge it until you try it!! Here is a whole list of power poses you can try out – preferably first thing in the morning, or before any event you’re feeling anxious about. If you feel awkward about it (DON’T) then do it where no one can see you. But I know from experience that it’s super helpful to power pose in social situations, too. You don’t have to be theatrical about it – just stand with your feet hips-distance apart, your chin lifted, and your hands folded loosely behind your back. Whenever I’m feeling awkward in public, I do this and IT IS LIKE A MAGIC ELIXIR.

“Even when the truth will hurt?” you ask. “ESPECIALLY WHEN THE TRUTH WILL HURT,” I say wisely, sitting cross-legged in a rock garden with incense burning around me in a very spiritual manner. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT. Little things are uncomfortable – such as picking up the phone – but what about when a friend does something that you know is wrong, unhealthy, or offensive? How do you respond?

For a long time, I wouldn’t. You love them because of who they are, not what they do – right? WELL THAT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE LOVE. To me, love means helping the person next to you reach their full potential – showing them who they really are: a beautiful supernova star created for greatness. So when they do something that is a step away from greatness, is it love to just “accept” that? I don’t think so.

Over the past few years, I’ve confronted people – both close friends and acquaintances, both on the internet and face-to-face. I wasn’t impolite about the issue at hand; I was simply honest. I told them the truth, purely with the intention to help, not hurt. And was it uncomfortable?? HECK YES. IT WAS SOME OF THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION I’VE EVER HAD. And did I lose some friends? Heck yes.* But did it help me grow? HECK YES. Every time I confront someone with the truth, it becomes a little bit easier to speak my mind. And that makes me a
more confident person.

“WAIT ABBIEE, isn’t this kind of contradictory??? YOU JUST TOLD US TO FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR OURSELVES.” << yes and no. Because there are some things you can’t figure out. SUCH AS THE WI-FI PASSWORD. (Believe me, I’ve tried to guess about 5468135456 wi-fi passwords in my lifetime and do you know how many I’ve actually guessed correctly?? 00000.)

Asking those little “stupid” questions is SO IMPORTANT. Because what’s holding you back? You think you’ll look awkward, ignorant, or oR OR??? WHAT. I’ve struggled with this too – SO MUCH. Anxiety is real, and please don’t think I am belittling it. But just like any other ailment of the mind or body: IT IS OVERCOME-ABLE. You can do this!! I BELIEVE IN YOU.

When someone asks you a question (even a stupid question like “I lost my shoelaces can I borrow yours?”) YOU’RE BRAIN IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO ANSWER THE QUESTION. You’re not thinking about how awkward the person asking it is. Which means it doesn’t even matter if YOU look awkward asking a question. JUST DO IT. And for the record, the wi-fi password is NEVER wifipassword1234. So you can eliminate that one from your list.

I get it: BUILDING CONFIDENCE IS HARD. I’ve been there and I’m still there. No one is 100% superhero. We all feel nervous, anxious, and insecure from time to time. WE’RE HUMAN YAY. But you don’t want to be the person who holds herself back from chasing her dreams because she’s nervous, anxious, and insecure. How do you avoid making the wrong decision when the stakes are high? Make the right decision when the stakes are low. Do the thing that is uncomfortable but good for you. STOP DRIPPING ON THE ROCK. Pick up the phone, ask for the wi-fi  password, and confront people with the truth when you feel like you should.

And if you say to yourself “I’m not confident, I’m just pretending I’m confident” <<< GOOD. DO THAT. Fake it till you make it! Even if you feel like panicking and crying and hiding in the bathroom, PRETEND YOU DON’T. Be bold and strong and fabulous, even if you feel like curling up in the fetal position. Don’t excuse yourself by identifying with a problem – act like you don’t have that problem. Aspire to be the healthiest and most confident version of yourself. Power pose when no one is looking! Fake it till you make it!

You’ll be surprised when, one day, ever so gracefully, you wake up and smile and say to yourself, “You know what? I’m a supernova star. And I know it.”